August 30, 2018 (Thursday)
Some of the special days I’ve written about in this blog sound wacky and frivolous. Today’s special emphasis is very serious: “National Grief Awareness Day.”
It must be acknowledged that there are many things in life that cause grief, and they all have one thing in common: loss of some kind. I think it is generally understood that the grief that this special day represents is loss of someone we love. Death has come, and it has proved itself to be something we have to confront one way or another.
Some authorities on the subject have designated seven stages of grief. These can be found on the web site, “Recover-from-grief.com.”
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)
4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5.THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
Comments by Charles
Identification of these stages of grief has proved helpful in understanding our own feelings. But each individual will discover that these actions and emotions do not come to everyone in the same way. The order might be changed. Some stages might appear to be absent. Several feelings will pile upon each other. The bereaved person may become confused about it all.
It seems to me that feelings of grief come to a person like waves on the seashore. There is a period of calm, followed by disappearance of the pain, then suddenly the giant wave comes crashing down.
Periods of despair seem to come out of thin air, out of nowhere with no logical reason. Emotions become tangled up with each other and the grieving person finds it very difficult to explain how he or she feels.
It also seems to me that although time gradually lessens the pain, it never really goes away completely. Loss of someone we love never completely heals, at least that’s the way it looks to me.
Perhaps a special day for awareness of grief on the part of others is something good that will awaken compassion within us, at least temporarily freeing us from our many problems, as we focus on others.